Friends In Need

I'm baaaack!! I have missed you all terribly! After the last couple of months of dramatic, in your face blogging, I was completely drained. I think I needed some time to just be and I have. Many of you have found me relaxing and playing Yoville and Farmville on Facebook. Feel free to join us if you haven't already www.facebook.com/lisa.abdulraouf. This has truly been the best month of my life. Right now, I am very, very happy and can't wait to share with you all!

Pressing business calls first. Many of you know and love our dear friend Coolred 38. Like me, she was in an abusive marriage. And she is so much stronger because she broke free from all of that and lived to tell about it. She is trying desperately to bring her sweet children home with her to the States after 20 some odd years in Bahrain and needs our help. Any donation amount would suffice. It has been so difficult for her in Bahrain and she and the kids really need a fresh start. May we all chip in and remember her in our prayers.

Coolred's Rant: It's Over People....the Fat Lady Has Sung. About Freakin' Time
Source: coolred38.blogspot.com
Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought of half as good. Luckily thats not difficult. Charlotte Whitton

Additionally, Lazeena brought to my attention a sister who was abandoned by her husband astagfirullah. She needs our help desperately especially with Ramadan in full swing. Let's consider her plight as well and try to make a donation. This is the link and Lazeena can also offer more information to all of you on her case.

http://www.chipin.com/mywidgets/id/6d6104da291f592b

Love you all for the sake of Allah and can't wait to catch up with each of you!

Hijab, Being An Only Child, And A Newfound Shahada Doesn't Prevent Us From ANYTHING. A Disneyland Retrospective

"So long as my head is covered, I can say anything I want, do anything I wish, and will not be afraid."

Bismillah al-rahman al-rahim....

Hijab wasn't always easy for me. It started out as a way to get attention in 1999 and became a fashion statement of colorful Turkish silk. Some of you may wonder how I could go on to wear niqaab knowing this. Well I took on niqaab purely to spite husband. I figured that all-black with gloves up to my elbows, an abaya, face-veil, and mini-terrorist sunglasses would be the best way to ruin husband's green card dreams. Coupled with the fact that Belal worked across from the airport with a bunch of Arabs, it seemed to be a win-win situation. Sure enough the FBI came calling.

When I removed hijab and left Islam, it was very easy. And there was no guilt or shame, since my intentions were never pure.

California changed all of that. It no longer mattered that I forgot my needle pins and looked ridiculous with this method of wrapping. I didn't care that my cheeks looked even fatter than usual. And it didn't faze me when the sun narrowed in on my black hijab and made me sweat as I walked all over Disneyland. Sweaty Hijab, American Muslima Writer. The most creative name I can think of for a blog ever, and exactly how I felt in California. For once I had the right intentions, and keeping up appearances wasn't one of them.

I have never been so happy. It is so funny that as I return to Islam, I am less willing to compromise, more strong, more confident. Disneyland taught me that I can do anything. I can plan a trip and make it happen, be a single mom and not miss sex or my husband, not fear for my safety alone, and wear hijab for reasons other than keeping up appearances.
My favorite photo of my little guy. Ever.
Holding him as we climbed Tarzan's Treehouse.
Help me Pixie, BN, and Aalia. I need a hijab tutorial.
Hijab doesn't stop me from doing anything. And it didn't stop this Arab Muslim sitting on the bench, from hiking at Brother Bear and then quietly waiting for her family afterward.
It didn't stop this beautiful Malaysian Muslimah from wearing niqaab down Main Street as we fought the crowds to get out of Disneyland.
Did it stop us from going on Space Mountain? No way. And Youssef was not afraid either. Mommy held his hand, and he was so brave on his first roller coaster completely through darkness.
We met these beautiful hijabi sisters taking a photo outside, and Salaamed. They weren't afraid either.
And was I scared to let my guard down and give my son the time of his life in California? Ain't no way. Even if it was down a huge drop on Splash Mountain with this embarrassing photo finish.
Being an only child didn't prevent us from doing anything either. In fact, I smile because this is the first time I was at peace with my lack of a second child. It didn't trouble me at all to watch my little guy (love your cute button Youssef) wishing for his very own little sister. We met sweet first birthday girl Gabrielle on the Mickey Ferris Wheel and Youssef fell in love.
Despite his yearning for a sister, I was so relieved that it was just the two of us. I laughed shamelessly and felt guilty later for thinking of those who were missing a trip here because they have 4 kids and the oldest is only 5. The poor 5 year old has to wait another 5 years so the tiniest brother is old enough for Mickey Mouse. That was my dilemma as a child, and we finally made it to Disney World when I was 10.
I also felt so blessed as I saw tons of tiny infants crying in double wide baby strollers, pushed by weary parents. The oldest sibling was having a terrible time. Mom was yelling at dad. Poor dad was carrying a cooler and souvenirs in one arm and another exhausted, red-faced sibling in the other. Sweat poured down his face and he used his Mickey Mouse ears to wipe it off. It was painful to watch.

So I was so happy to be able to walk everywhere with my excited little guy. Tripping others with a double wide stroller. No thanks. Youssef practically ran to each ride and never tired. Even after 12 hours in the park.
Of all the souvenirs, Youssef fell in love with Mickey Mouse stuffed animals. Which he refused to put down for most of the trip.

Our shuttle from LAX to Disneyland/hotel at 1 am. We loved it.
It was strange to see an aiport opened at 1 am. Husband insists that the Austin airport is opened that late, but I think we all know what that's about. There were numerous foreign exchange students hopping on flights to Taipei and Seoul.

We met a photographer who said Los Angeles is so expensive that she and her husband both have to work, and for long hours each day. I loved California, but Austin never seemed so nice.
Our hotel. We often walked up the hill so that we could get to Disneyland early, before the shuttle started at 7:40.
It was wonderful and very safe. Even if was unsafe, I would have been fine. Hijab makes you feel you can do anything.
We loved pizza at Shakey's which was next door to the hotel.
Mommy loves you Youssef.
So much.



Getting started.
Waiting to get through the crowds and make it to Sleeping Beauty's castle at 7:45.

Riding our first ride, It's A Small World. I love the look of delight on your face Youssef.

We met some nice old ladies at Minnie's house who had matching handmade Minnie shirts and earrings. They said that the budget was low this year for restoration. There was quite a bit of trash compared to usual and chipped paint. And few of the "Have a happy day" call-outs that I remember at age 10.

Is there anywhere Youssef will go without his groom Mickey?






Seeing Mr. Toad's Wild Ride again. Heaven.

We went to New Orleans Square near The Haunted Mansion and had these delicious steak gumbo bread bowls for $8.00 each.
That seemed reasonable compared to paying $14.99 for The Big Steak Omelette at IHOP. Cost in Austin, just $8.99.

Pirates of The Caribbean with drop-offs!

Mickey and Minnie Bride And Groom. These two helped Youssef cope with the 1 hour wait for Finding Nemo's Submarine.
As did Mickey baby with blanket.
Finding Nemo. One of the best rides for families.


Buzz Lightyear's Astro Blasters. This was one of Youssef's favorites. The kids in line were very loud and I'm not at all used to their brand of California cool. Everyone was parentless.






Youssef's favorite ride Autopia. We fast-passed and rode this 6 times.

Winnie the Pooh. My favorite of the "dark" rides.



The Haunted Mansion. Was I afraid to speak the lines I memorized as a child in hijab, in front of everyone? No way.

Big Thunder Mountain Railroad. Youssef was so brave.

Riding the teacups under the stars was beautiful. They are indoors at Disney World.

Very late but never tired. Yay for only children!

The best show ever, Fantasmic. Disney World's Christmas parade was great too, but Spectro-magic is not as good as Fantasmic.

Roger Rabbit's Cartoon Spin.

Hanging out in front of It's A Small World. Everything in Disneyland's Magic Kingdom was nicer and more fun than Disney World's version.

The one exception was the lack of trees and chipping paint in Mickey's Toontown. It was hot in hijab, and the lack of anything but concrete seemed to make the sun's glare stronger.

Sitting on Donald Duck's sofa.

And Minnie's chair.
Sleeping on Minnie's bed.
Drinking high tea in her kitchen.

Disney's California Adventure. Where Michael Eisner went wrong thinking he could spend less and cash in for more. A hot mess of Coney Island mixed with Six Flags. No shade, no magic Walt touch. I hated it here as a Disney purist, but pressed forward for my son.

Youssef's favorite ride Grizzly River Run. Getting wet in hijab? No biggie.

Hanging out in A Bug's Life.

Loved this one.

Trying to convince Youssef to go with me to the Bug's Life sprinkler park. He refused, wanting to ride more rides. So we Fast-passed and loved Soarin' Over California.

We went to lots of afternoon shows to beat the heat in treeless California Adventure. This is the Playhouse Disney show.
In addition to Turtle Talk With Crush, we went to Aladdin, The Muppets in 3-D, And A Bug's Life. Trying to beat the heat.
Was I afraid to ride the Tower of Tower in hijab? Was Youssef afraid of his first-ever elevator free-fall? Absolutely not.

We rode The Grizzly River Run again....and again....and again. Thank to Fastpass.

One of the few areas in California Adventure not under construction.

As the electric parade got underway, I sat there staring at the floats just thinking. Watching Youssef smile. I made this little decision as I watched the 7 dwarfs come my way. They could do so much, despite their diminutive size. Somehow I felt that I too could do anything in that moment. I decided to allow Allah to lift the seal on my heart once again. And be a Muslimah. Allah gave me this incredible voice. So why not use it.

It wasn't a dramatic moment. It wasn't something that gave me pause like the words that echoed in my ears at grandma's grave on May 1st, 2007. I just made the decision and that was it. Perhaps Allah wants me to get away from the usual drama for once. And perhaps the seal on my heart was always lifted, but Allah held me back from the truth. So that I would really believe it. Alhamdulillah.

Very early the next morning I made Shahada for the second time in close to 10 years. I went outside and the sun was rising against the palm trees. In the most amazing shade of pink. As I stretched out my arms to wake up, I felt Allah enveloping me in His.

I decided that you know, I don't know what the heck I'm doing. My knowledge isn't there. Maybe it never will be. But perhaps it will be too late. Because we never know. And I was so tired. So tired. Tired of feeling like I couldn't gain that knowledge because my first thought everyday was why am I not choosing a side. I never had time to think of anything else.

I will do this for my son. And first, for the sake of Allah.

I will put everything in His hands and let Him lead me. I have never felt so good dearest readers. Never.

California was so expensive that we ordered delivery pizza. These pieces of heaven came to the door piping hot for $19.95.

Someone didn't want to go home. We also went to Knott's, but I was terrified to 1) mess up another digital camera 2) show you the ugliest grandma outfit for the water ever with matching hijab.

Hoping that Los Angeles lunch hour traffic doesn't make us miss our plane.



We made it to Phoenix in the middle of a duststorm and ended up on the tarmac for two hours. (Hi Mirele!) I have never been so hot in my life. It was 111 degrees and they closed the windows on US Airways to limit the heat. Mirele, how do you do it? We were sitting next to an Austrian biology PHD who had just returned from a conference in Sydney. And he had the BO to prove it.
If you've seen one airport, you've seen them all. But, it's easier with Mickey Pirate.
As we were leaving LAX, I saw Air Tahiti getting ready to take off for French Polynesia, The Marquesas, perhaps Bora, Bora. And with this newfound strength and Allah's subtle little hint, I started planning a trip for next year. To my dream destination Fiji. Daring to dream again. Welcome back to Islam!

To Allah we come from and To Him We Return.

Off To Disney-Disney Land And Extreme Husband Makeover: In-Laws Edition

"To Allah we belong and unto Him we shall return."

I went to check my bank balance late last night to make sure that I was within budget for tomorrow's trip to California. And then everything that could go wrong, would go wrong. I was somehow short $300 dollars that I knew I didn't spend. I could live without it and still be fine, but it meant a lot less money for food and souvenirs. Frantic, I decided to be brave and call husband. I wasn't sure if the number he provided was a working number, since he didn't even want to share his itinerary.

I tried to get online banking at least 10 times in the last year. But, the passwords they give me never work, no matter what. So I finally gave up. I called husband because the other alternative meant waiting 8 hours until morning to go to the bank.

My mother-in-law answered and immediately said "I love you." Completely thrown, I returned the favor since those words have never been difficult for me to say anywhere, including in this very blog. She said "come next time" and "miss you" and "Youssef fine?" She never hung up on me like I expected. Nor did she call me names in Arabic.

And then she put my brother-in-law on the phone. He couldn't have been nicer. I think he remembered the days I called after Belal had just hit me, asking for help. So as to leave it between family and imams and not involve the outside world. He kept saying "Don't worry Yasemin" and "we love you Yasemin." I kept waiting for it. Waiting for him to ask if I knew any blondes he could marry. If we would help him get his green card. Why we didn't come to Syria. It never came. Instead he told me that he had gifts for me and Youssef. And that husband was with his dad, and would be home in 30 minutes.

I waited for husband to call. And kept waiting. I stayed up all night and the panic attacks began. My mind took me all kinds of places. I wondered if maybe he was on his honeymoon with second wife, and nowhere near Damascus. I figured that mil and bil wouldn't tell him I called, a sweet justice for the wife who refused them their grandson.

Life without Belal has been easy. We have Youssef and Mommy special time with Berenstain Bear books, sidewalk chalk, and walks around the neighborhood.

I even made a plan to daydream about John F. Kennedy Jr. and Tom Cruise just before going to sleep every night, in order to completely forget about husband. But, every night husband creeps into my actual dreams. Absence making my heart grow fonder.

So when my panic attack started, I veered into familiar territory. Assuming the worst to shield myself from the disappointment.

I went to the blog comments and saw one from Anonymous asking me to turn to Allah. And then I kept hearing the words echoing in my mind from Sacrifice4Allah's amazing blog, "To Allah we belong and unto Him we shall return."

The panic attack stopped and for the first time ever, I decided to trust Belal. And his family. And it felt good. I didn't need a psychologist to come to this realization, I just needed Allah. Somewhere along the way, I fell asleep. I woke up and saw that husband still hadn't called. 8 hours had passed.

The bank said that a $300 check for Castle Dental had been withdrawn. One that was written for husband's dental work back in May.

I was headed home just relieved that my bank identity was safe, when husband finally called. He was crying. He figured something had happened to us and kept apologizing. Ironically, he had been out all day getting dental work and helping his dad with the family's small business. They make those old time air conditioners from scratch. Lots of welding. Lots of heavy metals.

He said that he would give me more money later, and that his family wanted to give me some for Youssef's souvenirs.

He wondered if I'd be interested in going dancing with him at a club on 6th St. when he returns home. One that serves alcohol. All this is to say that he hasn't taken a second wife or hung out with the Russian prostitutes like I thought he would.

"I can't. I changed the blog and it doesn't say Christian anymore," I said quietly. There was a long pause. "I'm smiling," he said."

Are you going to come home and become my religious police officer, because I'm totally expecting it," I laughed.

"No, I just want you to be yourself from now on. I don't care if you pick Islam or Christianity. My parents have taught me a lot about how to be a better husband Yazzy. You are in for a shock."

We'll see.

She looks like the real thing
She tastes like the real thing
My fake plastic love.
But I can't help the feeling
I could blow through the ceiling
If I just turn and run
And it wears me out, it wears me out
It wears me out, it wears me out.

And if I could be who you wanted
If I could be who you wanted,
All the time, all the time.....

*I will return on July 21st. If I somehow didn't comment on your blog before I left, know that I will comment on your last 5 posts when I come home. I'll be back to bug you, in other words. Love you all, and may Allah guide us all to the right path. Ameen.*